I figure, no worries, right?

No one actually read this anymore. Like, at all. So I will post my feelings here, because I need to vent. And then maybe someday someone will read this, and all my idiocy won't have been in vain (will have been?) I'm not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. However, here goes.

I like Shuang. A lot. I'm not going to make the mistake of using the word 'love' like I did with Nikki, back in the day, but hey, love is relative, so who knows, it's only a word. There's a great passage in Waking Life about the word "love," but I digress.

The feeling, or at least, my particular brand of feeling, isn't mutual. One could definitely argue, and very easily at that, that I painted myself into this, my own miserable corner, where I'm currently standing. According to her, I'm the "guy-friend" type, the one you talk to about your relationships with guys you'd actually date, confide in, complain about your period, etc. I can take this, I like being confided in, but apparently to actually be in the running for her heart, (wow that was cheesy, but you know what I mean) you have to not be like that. You have to flirt conventionally (I don't even know what this fucking entails, much less am I prepared to do it) and all that... I mean, fuck, I do my best to get close to her, I shut up about my own needs and wants, and when I tell her, I downplay them. And she's gone right back to treating me like just a friend. Thing's haven't changed at all, it still hurts just as much. I didn't realize it before. I guess earlier, it was okay, because I could still drop the bomb on her that I like her and maybe things would change, but I have, and they didn't, and now I'm empty-handed. I'm up against a wall of angst and loneliness with nothing to stave it off. All of a sudden, it feels like the world's flipped upside down and I have nothign but sky below me, an empty maw waiting for me to fall and be swallowed in the emptiness. It's not particularly comforting.

What can I do? Try to make her like me? I don't know if I could do this, or how I could, and if, by some crazy chance I was able to, I'd be fucked, and not literally. The kind of... well, you know, how Summer felt when she finally landed Seth back in Season One. If you think I'd have a clue as to what the fuck to do, or at least, to be able to pull it off on my own, you don't know me at all. At this point I've got nothing and it sucks, acknowledged, but could I really handle something? I have difficulty believing that I could, knowing me and my ability to fail off my ass when it counts. The more I think about it, the more the Summer/Seth metaphor makes perfect sense. Scary.

So yes, apart from reducing my love life or lack thereof and all the foibles it carries as baggage to a television show, it should be pointed out that while I don't necessarily have anything to be really depressed about, I don't have a fuckload to be happy about, either. I'd tell all this to Dan, but I can't see that being productive. He'd tell me that I need to do something I cannot, or shut up and quit whining about something I'm not prepared to act on. So I spill my guts to nobody, or at least, anybody that gets here by hitting the "Next Blog>>" button enough times to get here and has enough patience to read all the way down here. What a fucking waste of time. Ugh.

Someone, kill me. I don't have the guts to do it myself. Better yet, make Shuang love me. That would be nice.

Anyway, I'm out like trucker hats. I have to wake up early to see Amelie with Sandy tomorrow. I'll probably talk to her about this a little bit.