June 1st. Just thoughting down some last minute notes.

I finally got some more writing done on Windswept. Christ am I bad. When I read that Chabon wrote 4000 words a week I kind of cringed. Way to not be an author at all, Alex. God knows the distance separating me from the Stephenie Meyers of the world is more than the Montreal to LA, a couple of years and being driven by desire. I think. (I know?) Fuck it. It doesn't matter anyway, that's not really where I want to be, but it still weighs on me.

So I got four paragraphs out. 410 words. I kind of like how it went. I might decide to keep this rolling. (I hope.) Writing's probably going to be my main thing six months from now. I'm going to have basically one friend, give or take, probably going to be spending chunks like 50 hours or something without saying anything meaningful to anyone or hearing anything in reply. Eating poorly, sleeping worse. Just me and my desire to get straight As. That is, if Concordia even lets me come back. If not, I go nuts. (I guess.) A year of work and a terrible novel and nothing else?

(Notice, if you will, that I just called it a novel. It is no longer a short story or novella or anything else. I need it to be a novel, I need it to be long and majestic and everything I have so far been completely unable to produce. Windswept is my saving grace. I told Dan during the winter I wouldn't kill myself so long as it wasn't finished. I need to keep writing (and I mean actually writing, not just putting it off indefinitely) until either it is good or I am. That is going to be my life from here on in.)

Maybe I will make enough money to start getting the tattoos I'm going to start dreaming feverishly of. "This is the number love. This is the letter fuck." And so on.

I'm not going to get into my other problems. Mostly everything sucks right now. I take great yet tiny pleasures in my music, in my felt-protected chair feet, in my stupid candy and my ugly, broken daydream fantasies about everything. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and get hit by a car when I first leave the house and be spared the rest.

On second thought, it's dad's birthday tomorrow. That would be kind of a dick move on my part.

POSTERITY EDIT: The 410 words swelled quickly to 1000+. I am not a failure. Also I ended up doing lots of other little edits here and there and adding some stuff from wsadds. So... on the whole... a very positive experience.