It's 5 am. I've been up for the last hour, wasting time, because nothing seems immediate yet. I'm listening to Bobcaygeon on repeat. I know you're not crazy about it but it fucks me up something special; I always thought stuff like "in the middle of that riot / couldn't get you off my mind" was kind of the epitome of love. Well, here I am. So much for the closet; it can have my coat but not my status as romantic.
It's weird how my aptitude for putting off work has worsened as I've grown older. There was always this sense, when I was in high school, that putting things off was okay, because I always got them done somehow on time in the end. "It's okay," I'd tell my mom, "it's not going to not get done." And it always did. But every little instance of pushing it too far sets a precedent, and pretty soon you think nothing of staying up until 7 or 8, just waiting for the urge to strike, and you fall asleep with all the bright lights in your apartment on, steadfastly convinced that you'll start working on your paper any minute now. I guess something in my brain/fingers just lacks that killer instinct.
I guess this is why I prefer exams to papers. There's less leeway. The difference between handing a paper in a day late and not doing an exam is too much for me to blow off showing up at a certain time to a certain place with a handful of pens and a stomach full of knots, ready to fill up this booklet or that booklet with all my empty, stupid thoughts. I miss simplicity, I guess. I remember Grade 10 was all about straight-up facts. That was my jam. I know what chattel means, I know what the tallest peak in Antarctica is, and so on, and so on. I guess it's just a learning process.
"And it was in Bobcaygeon / that I saw the constellations / reveal themselves / one star at a time."
I can't wait until you wake up, light in the curtains, tired smile on your lips, all things shining. We won't have much time together but every moment feels exciting in ways I won't bother trying to explain here. I love you.
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5 comments:
it's a little strange to read your blog and have it all seem so straightforward for once. i kind of like puzzling through the abstractions, but this is quite nice too.
good luck on your exam!
<3
i figured after the ridiculousness of the last post (the last real one) i should go overboard in the other direction. as i was writing it i was conscious of trying to emulate the style of yours. next time will probably be a little more back-to-normal... but then again, maybe not. (good luck on your papers!) <3
oooh the alex blogsss
how'd you find me facestalker?
ps what's poast?
i found you by going to facebook this morning. your post on ellen's wall was right on my news feed. i was like, "omg the vivien blogsss"
poast = post. learn the internet, fool!
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