February 27th. Thought the Sun.

I am all about the lyrics to 'Archers' by Brand New right now. Do I know what they are exactly? No. Vaguely? Yes. I am easily swayed by nice drums and harmonies and this and that. Musical terms I don't fully grasp and never will. I'm an aesthete. I know sonic beauty when I sees it.

My sister is 18 now. I think my non-living at home has done her a world of good, but a lot of that I'm sure was just time and friends and the little right decisions that come from seeing situations and knowing which move to make this time around. Anyway I am really happy about the person she's become and about the person she'll have become a year from now or two years from now. I am dreaming of being avuncular to the beautiful children she'll have. I was never named Hank, I never worked for the DEA, I will never live in Albuquerque, but what should go unsaid will go double for me. I can make good, just like that. Snap. I'm twenty, it's as good a time as any to have a mid-life crisis.

I had a good talk with Shirine about attraction and how my little stupidities are maybe sometimes not so stupid. It's nice to feel those hands on my mind's shoulders, the towel, and the reassuring voice in my ear. I can take 'im down in the next round and I can be suave in the round after that and maybe before long the judges decide it's a technical take-out. In the stands there are middle-aged men who have staked their hard earned dollar amounts on my wordplay and they are sweating and chanting my name inside of the caverns that are their skulls. And if I lose? Hey, we're men. We never get anything right on the first try.

I'll see you next time, though. And that's clean money; a tax write-off.

February 14th. You really thought me going.

i wish i looked the way i felt.

(empty.)

a few true things:

it's warmish outside and i hate this weather. yesterday when i was going to pay my rent i heard (between the headphone-noises) one guy tell another "winter is always like this in vancouver." i'm glad i don't live there.

i just made guacamole for the first time. i added some salt + pepper and some cheddar and miked it for 22 seconds and ate it with some hella ghetto corn chips my dad sent me home with and it was really really delicious. simple pleasures +1.

i had my american history midterm this morning/afternoon. i think i did well; my studying served me well on the identify questions, but i might have flubbed one or three of the multiple choice. i still think i'll get at least an a-minus. i'm pretty happy.

i'm drinking apple cider right now. i realized i go through drinks too quickly because i buy 2-litre containers and just drink them straight without pouring them into glasses. without a framework to order my drinking i tend to consume them willy-nilly. i considered getting glasses and forcing myself to use them, but then i'd probably just end up with a couple of dirty glasses, no inclination to clean them, and i'd be back to drinking from the carton. i wonder if i will be less of a slob as i age.

i have downloaded a lot of new music in 2009. songs by a wilhelm scream (1), rusty horse band (5), radiohead (1), lykke li (13), bon iver (13), girl talk (14), titus andronicus (1), polar bear club (11), new mexican disaster squad (15), western addiction (4), kid dynamite (23), ninja high school (5), fucked up (11), thursday (11), propagandhi (12), vampire weekend (10), the loved ones (15), the sainte catherines (9) and the tragically hip (1). so... 175 songs. in 43 days. and that's not counting the crystal castles album i downloaded and deleted after deciding i didn't like it. at this pace i'll have 1310 more by the end of the year. and my three-year-old ipod wouldn't even be full yet. the future is crazy.

i need to be writing more. i've knocked off some poems lately but i need to be writing more. and reading more. i'm resolving to spend less time online. and i really want to start working on batroom. so. yuss. goodbye.