haven't posted in a while, not for lack of things to say, but more for having too much to say. and what i have to say seems to keep changing on a day-to-day basis. i've just been a mass of shifting sands. i no longer work at the store, sort of half-quit, half-fired. i'm seeing a new girl, one of those weird things where i pursue someone and they surrender. human interaction is like a roller derby game. i don't understand what's going on at any point, even if i can see patterns in the way things go around (in circles) and sometimes the team i'm rooting for wins, easily. now i'm in that weird position where i try to determine if the chase is better than the catch or not. i like her a lot but i'm also afraid of the possibility of her liking me more than i had expected, i think. i think one of the reasons i felt like it was okay to get into something was because i started expecting not to be in the city come summertime. that would provide for an easy end-point or at least an easy excuse or apologia for an ending. but what if i'm still in montreal? i guess i'm afraid of feeling tied down again, maybe? i feel like i'm afraid i'll never be able to throw myself into anything ever again unless the other person genuinely doesn't care about me. as soon as i sense real emotion on the other end, some poorly-lit, underfunded part of my brain switches on. like a janitor who works somewhere big and is underpaid and goes unnoticed but could shut down the whole building/company because he knows how everything works and no one else does. and he's always thinking about pulling the plug. i think it's a defense mechanism because i'm so afraid of falling unreservedly for someone and what it does to me when things start to go sour and end. i feel like this is what happened to dan, how he developed that capacity to not feel bad about things because of stuff that happened to him as a kid. or maybe i was like this back in 2009-10 and i just don't remember it. i don't know. what i remember is the insanity of my emotions, though. or maybe this is all just what happens when you start to get to know someone all of a sudden and some of the details aren't what you'd expected. oh, and i've started going to the gym.

what a weird fucking week. i keep forgetting about the fulness of the rollercoaster. maybe i just forget about all the different rides in the park. tonight was a new one, or at least one i hadn't experienced in about a decade. there it was, 2:30 a.m., and me, with my hand around a guy's neck, my knee on his chest, on the terrace of idée fixe. "you need to leave, now." motherfuckers better learn not to start shit with my friends when they've had too many beers. fuck. seriously.