haven't posted in a while, not for lack of things to say, but more for having too much to say. and what i have to say seems to keep changing on a day-to-day basis. i've just been a mass of shifting sands. i no longer work at the store, sort of half-quit, half-fired. i'm seeing a new girl, one of those weird things where i pursue someone and they surrender. human interaction is like a roller derby game. i don't understand what's going on at any point, even if i can see patterns in the way things go around (in circles) and sometimes the team i'm rooting for wins, easily. now i'm in that weird position where i try to determine if the chase is better than the catch or not. i like her a lot but i'm also afraid of the possibility of her liking me more than i had expected, i think. i think one of the reasons i felt like it was okay to get into something was because i started expecting not to be in the city come summertime. that would provide for an easy end-point or at least an easy excuse or apologia for an ending. but what if i'm still in montreal? i guess i'm afraid of feeling tied down again, maybe? i feel like i'm afraid i'll never be able to throw myself into anything ever again unless the other person genuinely doesn't care about me. as soon as i sense real emotion on the other end, some poorly-lit, underfunded part of my brain switches on. like a janitor who works somewhere big and is underpaid and goes unnoticed but could shut down the whole building/company because he knows how everything works and no one else does. and he's always thinking about pulling the plug. i think it's a defense mechanism because i'm so afraid of falling unreservedly for someone and what it does to me when things start to go sour and end. i feel like this is what happened to dan, how he developed that capacity to not feel bad about things because of stuff that happened to him as a kid. or maybe i was like this back in 2009-10 and i just don't remember it. i don't know. what i remember is the insanity of my emotions, though. or maybe this is all just what happens when you start to get to know someone all of a sudden and some of the details aren't what you'd expected. oh, and i've started going to the gym.