i feel like i'm blogging too much but also whatever.

1) had a job interview today, for the job. like we all interviewed: me, corey, colin, riley, laura; kalina from the other side. julia's got one of her own coming up too i hear. feels like everyone on a certain level was picked which is a nice feeling but also daunting cause everyone in that group runs their shit. and i feel like i probably fucked myself in the interview maybe. i mean i didn't, coming out of it, but the more i thought about it the more it seemed like a routine full of unstuck landings. i don't know what they are looking for, what they were looking for. i didn't go in with a clear sense of what i wanted to sell about myself. which they said was fine and was the point but it feels like you can't take them at face value when they say that. you can say you don't want anything for your birthday but you always kind of do. the main takeaway from a personal perspective (i realized this way later, hours and hours later) was that maybe job interview stress is scalable. i don't think i was that much more stressed than i've been for other interviews, like the multimags one or the maisonneuve one. like, i was stressed and off my game, but seven hundo a week for copy editing at a major city newspaper is so different from fact-checking for free at a hip niche arts & opinions quarterly or ringing up smokes and magazines for minimum wage in n.d.g. so maybe i'm just going to be experiencing the same stress levels at every stage, and i'll adapt to the changes? that would be interesting, and, while maybe not ideal, certainly better than what i expected.

2) described the loneliness i was feeling while at work in a fb message to sruti, because when you're feeling emotionally out of control you get to turn on your 3G. "there's this scene in the movie never let me go / where the carey mulligan character is like / freaking out" "i've heard of this scene" "about how she sometimes feels overwhelmed by sexual urges and feels totally helpless to her libido" "yeah" "and she thinks there's something wrong with her / and keira knightley is like / no everyone is like that sometimes / i'm carey mulligan right now / i just feel crushingly alone and desperate" which was beautiful in a way, but also fitting in that it contained within itself (as i realized midway through the texting sequence) the antidote: everyone gets like this. [not sexually; at least not fully sexually, but emotionally, anyway]

3) and then that girl i've been getting antsy about these past weeks followed up our two-and-a-half-hour conversation monday night that led into a vast, crushing expanse of no dialogue tuesday or wednesday into a fast-paced 20-minute conversation just then, just now, which made everything feel okay again. as if i could even feel the same thing for a few consecutive hours without accidentally then jumping on a train going in the opposite direction. christ. (that's another thing i forgot about myself: the flip-flopping).

okay. bedtime. class tomorrow morning.