A New Kind of Nihilism...

For me it's more like... nothing means anything. I often, and currently as of right now, get the feeling that my life is entirely meaningless. It's just a series of events strung together which no one will remember, which won't impact anyone, and which don't give me enough to keep me coming back. Like Hamlet once said, one of the three things that keeps me from committing suicide is that I consider it a sin; and I don't have the time to spend eternity in hell.

Secondly, it would probably hurt some of you. I don't want to be mean and heartless and selfish.

Thirdly, I'm too pussified, and I don't want to screw up and live the rest of my life fucked up somehow.

That having been said, life is tiring. It just wears me down, and I often wonder what the point is. Just keep on getting up every morning [or afternoon, as the case may be] to get battered around throughout the day, cling onto my wakingness as I try to get some meaning out of things while talking to people on MSN/message boards until early in the morning and then falling back asleep again.

Eurgh.

What I want, what I really want, is to be someone history remembers for having done something incredible, something that stays in the history textbooks, some kind of jarring photograph that gets burned into the minds of millions of people the day afterward in the news and in the papers, on the internet, I don't know, but I want to be a revolutionary or something. Be on the cover of Time magazine. I don't want to fade into obscurity like everyone else but how do you go about applying for the position of collective-world-paradigm-shifter extraordinaire? You don't. It happens because you're in the right place at the right time, and you do the right thing... and who knows how that would come about. History chooses you, you don't get to apply, and so my life constructs shallow purposes for myself as I while away the time until I'm too old to be an activist and not look like a joke.

Fuck things.

I guess the premium time for shit to happen would be 2018. Fifty years since 1968, which most people agree was the fucking craziest, most rebellious, revolutionary, activist year in centuries. I'd be 29 going on 30, probably holding some shitty job in the city, done university in a degree that won't get me any kind of profession, maybe a G8 summit comes to town or something, I dunno. I'd even like to be hated by most of the world. Viewed as a bad person, most evil, most likely to change the world for the worse, but if I knew I was right in my heart & in my head, and if a few people, here and there, maybe even after I'm dead and gone, look back, read up on me, go, "Damn, he was a genius, a great person, what an inspiration..." it'd be worth it, just for the few that saw the truth, having millions hate me. And I don't mean like Neo-Nazis like Hitler, I mean like the media portrayed me as a monster because I was attacking Corporate America, but in truth I was striking a blow for humanity. So I'd like to have a small "cult" following, if you will, because the best kind of people are the ones who think differently than the majority. So to be truly understood by those who matter most, posthumously or otherwise, would be awesome.

This is the kinda blog post that, I feel, really makes me weird, because how many people would feel like this? How many would say it? Most people want to grow up, get married, a nice job, a house, kids, lead a fulfilling, peaceful life but for me, with my inner attention whore, I want to be world-famous for being different, for being a bad motherfucker with a plan and a Molotov Cocktail, I dunno. Maybe I listen to too much RATM.

EDIT:

I decided, a little late, but to blog for rizzle, so anyway.

Today was weird.

Woke up late, as to be expected, aucune surprise.

Did nothing.

Missed out on an opportunity to go see a movie with Dan.

I had a prophetic dream.

So fucking weird... I don't remember a whole lot, but it was weird, but Tadzeo was in it. For those of you who don't know, Tadzeo was my best or second-best friend for most of my childhood. We were both socially awkward so we were rejected by about everyone but each other. We were real close buds, we spent a lot of time together, sleep overs, watching television, playing Civilization II and just hanging out. He had been going to FACE since Grade 3 but we managed to still be friends. Around high school, however, he started to get popular, got sucked in by the cool kids at FACE, now he had lots of friends, didn't hang around with me as much, we still got together every once in a while but they were rarer. We didn't see eye to eye as often, he got frustrated by me because I was such a goody two-shoes. He started going through girls real fast, two or three girlfriends in a month, I still had none, he lost his virginity last year. Last time I was over at his house was November '03 for his 15th birthday party, I think. I really regret us falling apart but things happen. It really irks me, if you will. Fucking depressing, because he's an awesome guy, really funny, cool to hang out with but he's into the whole party/alcohol/casual sex scene which I despise. Anyway, last night I had a dream, and in it I was fighting a whole lot of people with a hockey stick in an alleyway, and then the fighting paused and he showed up and we hugged, and I was all hyped to see him. Later on in the dream it turned out he was a girl. Not sure how that works. Anyway, I was walking up the street to get milk and I ran into him and his friend, Alex [aka Big Jesus]... It was really depressing because we just talked about meaningless bullshit for a minute or two and then parted ways.

Nothing like reminding me of all the things that could've been. He was wearing the fucking awesomest outfit... I have never seen a guy look so cool. Heh. So that made me really depressed.

Then, nothing happened at all, really. I just kinda did nothing. I d/led a bunch of music though. I'm up to 1.7 GBs in two months. Pretty smooth.

My two songs of the moment: Coheed & Cambria - A Favor House Atlantic and Minor Threat - I Don't Want to Hear It

"...shut your fucking mouth / i don't care what you say / you keep talking / talking everyday / first you're telling stories / then you're telling lies / when the fuck / are you gonna realize / that i don't want to hear it? / know that you're full of shit / i don't want to hear it / know that you're full of shit / i don't want to hear it / know that you're full of shit / oh, shut up..."

and

"...good eye, sniper / here I'll shoot, you run / the words you scribbled on the walls / with the loss of friends you didn't have / i'll call you when the time is right / are you in or are you out? / for them all to know the end of us all / run quick, they're behind us / didn't think we'd ever make it / this close to safety in one piece / now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe / save us from sleep and what we are..."


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